Latest Update on Mom

Thursday night at 8pm I received a call from my sister Cathy that she got a call from the nursing home stating that mama had fallen trying to walk out the door of the facility. I went over to see what was going on and she was out at the nurses station just sitting. They told me she was very confused and tried to leave saying she was going home. She fell down in the hallway, as she didn't have her walker. She had been very forgetful the week and very confused. I sat with mama for a couple of hours but honestly, I had to keep reminding her who I was, for when I first walked up she had no idea.....She didn't see like she was hurt in anyway she just looked sleepy. She asked me a few times if I was taking her home, something I've not heard her say for many weeks....and I knew something didn't feel right. But they were getting her to bed and I left.

I called the next morning to ask how she was and they said they were getting a urine sample because they think she has a urinary tract infection. They said we would have the results back by Sunday.

I had a test at the hospital overnight that I had to go for, so I couldn't go over Friday night and Saturday morning after being discharged, I went home to get some sleep as I didn't get much the night before, then I had to go bowling for Junior Achievement for work.

Today though, I went over with Richard, Sarah, Cathy and Phil. When we walked in the room mama was in bed, at 2pm with her nightgown still on. Her lunch tray beside the bed not touched. She looked at me and didn't recognize me again, not until I started talking. I noticed immediately something was wrong with her mouth...the more I prompted her to speak the more I saw it. I can't really explain it, except that it was drawn and very hard for her to move her mouth to speak. I told her I'd be right back and mouthed to everyone that she has had a stroke.

I'm not a medical professional, but I am not stupid either...and I've been around her and enough sick people to know when something is terribly wrong. I ran out to the nurses station and they said that they have not been able to get a urine sample, as she is not passing her water. Instantly I think the worst, her kidneys are shutting down and I just stand there...for the first time ever, I'm just froze. I burst into tears. The nurse asked me if I thought I could get her to pass water, and I just started walking without a mind, to her room.

After some encouragement I did manage to get her out of the bed but I had to lift her up. Cathy can't do that because of her back. Course mama has lost more weight and they've put her back on some meds for her appetite to increase it. I'm sure she only weighs about 100 lbs now if that. She might even be below that now.

She of course could not pass any water. So they are planning on doing and in/out cath to get the sample. They took her sugar while we were there and the number was only 55. She drank some juice and brought it up to 95 before we left. I've not known her sugar to drop down to 55.

And instead of being the one who always holds it together, I cried. And cried and cried. Like a baby. She kept telling me about how she had been on a trip to see a horse show, the stallions where they kick their feet up in the air. Every stroke she has, she has all kinds of hallucinations. At least this time they were pleasant. One thing about my mama though is she has lots of intuitions....like I do....and she kept asking me if it was ok with me if she went home.

Then even before I left and I was hugging her goodbye she told me not to worry about her, that she loves me and to be a "good girl" because in a few days she will go home....

To some home means like your house, the place you live...but in my mother's language that might not be what she is meaning...besides the fact that my sisters and I have had an uneasy feeling for a while now...

Again, leave it to me to grieve for her before she even passes away but this is what I do. It just kills me to see her in this condition. She doesn't even know to ask them for a drink when she's thirsty. What kind of life is that to live? And I find myself asking God, why are you doing this to her, to me, to my family? I know we are supposed to not question him but I'm sorry..I'm doing a lot of questioning tonight...

Update February 10, 2009

The weekend was very stressful for me. Saturday morning Cathy and I headed over to mom's apartment to get the rest of her things. Last weekend Cathy, Cheryl, Phil and Richard went over and got all the furniture out and packed up a lot of things. So, I decided since I was feeling better I should do my part.

I could not believe what all was left in the room, a lot of things. I repacked everything, trying to decide what stuff would go to mom's new room in the skilled nursing, what was going to who and what was getting thrown away.

After emptying her house so quickly this past summer and this being the final journey for her I realized it is really starting to wear on my soul. After we loaded up Cathy's jeep, we went to see mom in the rehab. She was not feeling well she said and was in bed at 2:30. I always look her over when I go, if her clothes are clean, is her ilestomy bag leaking etc..and of course it was. And she had fecal matter on the back of her shirt. So I commenced in undressing her, bathing her, reapplying the ilestomy and redressing her. When I changed her appliance I noticed that her skin is completely breaking down where the seal is applied. So I took photos of it with my cell phone so I could email them to Dr. Butler. Cathy and I visited with mom and I asked mama about emptying the bag and she didn't remember that there is a clip there to open. She has been taking the entire appliance off each time she goes to the bathroom. Her mind, slipping more away from us. And she looks at me, with those huge brown eyes and doesn't understand. I have become so much more patient with her. I have found that I don't get upset at her, I don't complain to myself about having to care for her because she honestly has no idea what to do anymore....and she looks to me as being her "mother."



I had plans with some friends for dinner that night and I almost didn't go because I was so...lost...when I got back home. But I went and had a great time.


Sunday I could not get out of bed. I have fallen again into the abyss of grief for her.

Monday she was moved into her permanent room. I'm not happy about it because her roommate is a lady she stayed with before in the rehab and the lady is nutty and stole mom's clothes. Mom hated staying with her and it caused great amounts of grief for us because mama would refuse to go into the room until bedtime and then she sat at the nurses station the rest of the day. I met Cathy over there after work and we took in some things to decorate her room and some clothes. We ended up not leaving a lot of things because of space issues, although there is room for her rocker and I'm going to get Richard to get it out of the storage unit. She loves to rock in mine when she comes over. She has the bed by the window so she can look out but I hope she doesn't get afraid.

We brought her stuffed animals to her too and she was so excited to have them. She hugs and kisses them and talks to them. Like a child.

I laid on the bed with her for a while and we held hands. It was nice.

When Cathy and I left she said to me "it's coming for you Mandy, with a vengeance"...and it did...for as soon as I got home I lost it...and I've been in complete tears and mental breakdown since leaving there yesterday. I cried all night last night, never slept and my eyes were so swollen this morning I could almost not put any eye makeup on. I wept at my desk all day today too...came home from work and now my stomach is a mess and I've either been asleep or in my room hiding so I can cry. Richard just doesn't understand this. His parents have never been ill. I would just assume be alone than have him try to consult me...don't look at me with pity...make me feel better....not worse...

We didn't hear anything last night so I guess her first night in the room went ok. Although she was upset because she kept getting lost in the hallway and couldn't find her brush, which is in the basket on her walker.

Dr. Butler came to see Cheryl at work on Friday. He told her that he thinks we need to start making the decision of what to do if mama were to come down with pneumonia or falls again...we need to determine if we want her to have treatment or to be made comfortable....he doesn't think prolonging her life is beneficial to her OR us. I am VERY torn over this. I understand what he is saying. But this is my mama....my only parent...I've already lost 2 dads...and all my grandparents......

my family dwindles to nothing...along with my mother's mind....and the strength that I thought I had for the whole situation...