The weekend was very stressful for me. Saturday morning Cathy and I headed over to mom's apartment to get the rest of her things. Last weekend Cathy, Cheryl, Phil and Richard went over and got all the furniture out and packed up a lot of things. So, I decided since I was feeling better I should do my part.
I could not believe what all was left in the room, a lot of things. I repacked everything, trying to decide what stuff would go to mom's new room in the skilled nursing, what was going to who and what was getting thrown away.
After emptying her house so quickly this past summer and this being the final journey for her I realized it is really starting to wear on my soul. After we loaded up Cathy's jeep, we went to see mom in the rehab. She was not feeling well she said and was in bed at 2:30. I always look her over when I go, if her clothes are clean, is her ilestomy bag leaking etc..and of course it was. And she had fecal matter on the back of her shirt. So I commenced in undressing her, bathing her, reapplying the ilestomy and redressing her. When I changed her appliance I noticed that her skin is completely breaking down where the seal is applied. So I took photos of it with my cell phone so I could email them to Dr. Butler. Cathy and I visited with mom and I asked mama about emptying the bag and she didn't remember that there is a clip there to open. She has been taking the entire appliance off each time she goes to the bathroom. Her mind, slipping more away from us. And she looks at me, with those huge brown eyes and doesn't understand. I have become so much more patient with her. I have found that I don't get upset at her, I don't complain to myself about having to care for her because she honestly has no idea what to do anymore....and she looks to me as being her "mother."
I had plans with some friends for dinner that night and I almost didn't go because I was so...lost...when I got back home. But I went and had a great time.
Sunday I could not get out of bed. I have fallen again into the abyss of grief for her.
Monday she was moved into her permanent room. I'm not happy about it because her roommate is a lady she stayed with before in the rehab and the lady is nutty and stole mom's clothes. Mom hated staying with her and it caused great amounts of grief for us because mama would refuse to go into the room until bedtime and then she sat at the nurses station the rest of the day. I met Cathy over there after work and we took in some things to decorate her room and some clothes. We ended up not leaving a lot of things because of space issues, although there is room for her rocker and I'm going to get Richard to get it out of the storage unit. She loves to rock in mine when she comes over. She has the bed by the window so she can look out but I hope she doesn't get afraid.
We brought her stuffed animals to her too and she was so excited to have them. She hugs and kisses them and talks to them. Like a child.
I laid on the bed with her for a while and we held hands. It was nice.
When Cathy and I left she said to me "it's coming for you Mandy, with a vengeance"...and it did...for as soon as I got home I lost it...and I've been in complete tears and mental breakdown since leaving there yesterday. I cried all night last night, never slept and my eyes were so swollen this morning I could almost not put any eye makeup on. I wept at my desk all day today too...came home from work and now my stomach is a mess and I've either been asleep or in my room hiding so I can cry. Richard just doesn't understand this. His parents have never been ill. I would just assume be alone than have him try to consult me...don't look at me with pity...make me feel better....not worse...
We didn't hear anything last night so I guess her first night in the room went ok. Although she was upset because she kept getting lost in the hallway and couldn't find her brush, which is in the basket on her walker.
Dr. Butler came to see Cheryl at work on Friday. He told her that he thinks we need to start making the decision of what to do if mama were to come down with pneumonia or falls again...we need to determine if we want her to have treatment or to be made comfortable....he doesn't think prolonging her life is beneficial to her OR us. I am VERY torn over this. I understand what he is saying. But this is my mama....my only parent...I've already lost 2 dads...and all my grandparents......
my family dwindles to nothing...along with my mother's mind....and the strength that I thought I had for the whole situation...
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