Latest Update on Mom

Thursday night at 8pm I received a call from my sister Cathy that she got a call from the nursing home stating that mama had fallen trying to walk out the door of the facility. I went over to see what was going on and she was out at the nurses station just sitting. They told me she was very confused and tried to leave saying she was going home. She fell down in the hallway, as she didn't have her walker. She had been very forgetful the week and very confused. I sat with mama for a couple of hours but honestly, I had to keep reminding her who I was, for when I first walked up she had no idea.....She didn't see like she was hurt in anyway she just looked sleepy. She asked me a few times if I was taking her home, something I've not heard her say for many weeks....and I knew something didn't feel right. But they were getting her to bed and I left.

I called the next morning to ask how she was and they said they were getting a urine sample because they think she has a urinary tract infection. They said we would have the results back by Sunday.

I had a test at the hospital overnight that I had to go for, so I couldn't go over Friday night and Saturday morning after being discharged, I went home to get some sleep as I didn't get much the night before, then I had to go bowling for Junior Achievement for work.

Today though, I went over with Richard, Sarah, Cathy and Phil. When we walked in the room mama was in bed, at 2pm with her nightgown still on. Her lunch tray beside the bed not touched. She looked at me and didn't recognize me again, not until I started talking. I noticed immediately something was wrong with her mouth...the more I prompted her to speak the more I saw it. I can't really explain it, except that it was drawn and very hard for her to move her mouth to speak. I told her I'd be right back and mouthed to everyone that she has had a stroke.

I'm not a medical professional, but I am not stupid either...and I've been around her and enough sick people to know when something is terribly wrong. I ran out to the nurses station and they said that they have not been able to get a urine sample, as she is not passing her water. Instantly I think the worst, her kidneys are shutting down and I just stand there...for the first time ever, I'm just froze. I burst into tears. The nurse asked me if I thought I could get her to pass water, and I just started walking without a mind, to her room.

After some encouragement I did manage to get her out of the bed but I had to lift her up. Cathy can't do that because of her back. Course mama has lost more weight and they've put her back on some meds for her appetite to increase it. I'm sure she only weighs about 100 lbs now if that. She might even be below that now.

She of course could not pass any water. So they are planning on doing and in/out cath to get the sample. They took her sugar while we were there and the number was only 55. She drank some juice and brought it up to 95 before we left. I've not known her sugar to drop down to 55.

And instead of being the one who always holds it together, I cried. And cried and cried. Like a baby. She kept telling me about how she had been on a trip to see a horse show, the stallions where they kick their feet up in the air. Every stroke she has, she has all kinds of hallucinations. At least this time they were pleasant. One thing about my mama though is she has lots of intuitions....like I do....and she kept asking me if it was ok with me if she went home.

Then even before I left and I was hugging her goodbye she told me not to worry about her, that she loves me and to be a "good girl" because in a few days she will go home....

To some home means like your house, the place you live...but in my mother's language that might not be what she is meaning...besides the fact that my sisters and I have had an uneasy feeling for a while now...

Again, leave it to me to grieve for her before she even passes away but this is what I do. It just kills me to see her in this condition. She doesn't even know to ask them for a drink when she's thirsty. What kind of life is that to live? And I find myself asking God, why are you doing this to her, to me, to my family? I know we are supposed to not question him but I'm sorry..I'm doing a lot of questioning tonight...